Love, Parenting & Attachment: How Your Early Bond Shapes Your Relationship
Posted on 2nd April 2025 at 09:15
By Julie Wales, Family & Special Needs Counsellor
Ever had a moment in your relationship where you thought, "Why am I acting like my parent?" Or maybe you’ve felt like you’re parenting your partner rather than being in a team of equals? You’re not alone.
The way we were cared for as children doesn’t just shape how we show up in romantic relationships—it also influences the roles we take on. And sometimes, without even realising it, we slip into parent-child dynamics with our partners. Attachment styles continue to shape individuals’ relationships throughout adulthood (Domingue & Mollen, 2009).
So, let’s talk about how early attachment styles shape these patterns and, more importantly, how you can shift from a “parent and child” relationship dynamic to a secure, connected partnership where both of you feel like equals.
The Four Attachment Styles & How They Show Up in Your Relationship
1. Secure Attachment: The "We’ve Got This" Couple
If you had caregivers who were emotionally available, consistent, and responsive, you likely developed a secure attachment. In relationships, this means you’re comfortable giving and receiving love, handling conflict without spiralling, and trusting your partner.
🟢 In a parent-child dynamic: A securely attached couple rarely slips into this trap because both partners feel safe expressing needs without fear of rejection. They work as a team, balancing responsibility, emotional support, and independence.
What helps? Keep doing what you’re doing! Regular check-ins and open communication maintain that secure foundation.
2. Anxious Attachment: The "Clingy Child & The Exhausted Parent" Dynamic
If your early caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes emotionally available and other times distant—you might have developed an anxious attachment style. This means you seek reassurance, fear abandonment, and struggle to feel secure in relationships.
🟠 In a parent-child dynamic: One partner (often anxiously attached) constantly seeks validation, while the other feels like they have to “manage” their emotions. This can create a cycle where one partner is the needy child and the other becomes the exhausted parent trying to provide endless reassurance.
🔹 How to shift to an equal adult dynamic:
Self-soothing before seeking reassurance – Instead of immediately turning to your partner for comfort, practice deep breathing or journaling when anxious thoughts arise.
Use “I” statements instead of blame – Instead of saying, “You never text me back! Do you even care?” try, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you. Can we talk about what feels reasonable for both of us?”
How counselling helps: Couples therapy can help anxious partners learn to self-regulate and build inner security while guiding their partner in responding with reassurance without enabling dependency.
3. Avoidant Attachment: The "Distant Parent & The Pleading Child" Dynamic
If your caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive, you might have developed an avoidant attachment style. This means you value independence, struggle with emotional intimacy, and feel uncomfortable when your partner gets “too close.”
🔴 In a parent-child dynamic: The avoidantly attached partner takes on the “distant parent” role—uncomfortable with emotions, shutting down during tough conversations, or avoiding vulnerability. Meanwhile, the other partner (often anxiously attached) becomes the “pleading child,” desperate for connection but constantly feeling rejected.
🔹 How to shift to an equal adult dynamic:
Lean into vulnerability (bit by bit!) – If sharing emotions feels overwhelming, start small. Instead of shutting down, try: “I’m not sure how to respond right now, but I do care about you.”
Recognise the cycle and pause – If you feel the urge to withdraw, communicate: “I need a moment to think, but I promise I won’t ignore this.”
How counselling helps: Therapy can support avoidantly attached partners in feeling safe with intimacy while helping the anxious partner give space without feeling abandoned.
4. Disorganised Attachment: The "Chaotic Parent & The Confused Child" Dynamic
If your early experiences involved trauma, unpredictability, or neglect, you may have developed a disorganised attachment style—a mix of both anxious and avoidant tendencies. You might crave closeness but also push your partner away out of fear of being hurt.
⚠️ In a parent-child dynamic: This can feel like emotional whiplash—one moment, you seek intense closeness (pleading child), and the next, you shut down or lash out (distant parent). Your partner often feels confused, unsure whether to comfort you or give space.
🔹 How to shift to an equal adult dynamic:
Work on emotional regulation first – Before reacting, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself, “Am I feeling triggered by my past or my present?”
Communicate your needs clearly – If you’re feeling overwhelmed, instead of pushing your partner away, try: “I want to talk about this, but I need 10 minutes to collect my thoughts.”
How counselling helps: A therapist can help you process past trauma and create emotional safety in your relationship, so both partners feel more stable and secure.
Breaking Free from Parent-Child Dynamics: Practical Steps for Couples
No matter your attachment style, the key to a healthy relationship is moving toward a dynamic where both of you feel like equal, secure adults. Here’s how:
1. Notice the Dynamic & Call It Out (Gently!)
If you catch yourself in a parent-child pattern, pause and say, “I think we’re slipping into roles where I feel like I’m managing your emotions,” or “I notice I’m withdrawing instead of communicating.” Awareness is the first step!
2. Stay in Your "Window of Tolerance"
The window of tolerance is your emotional comfort zone—where you can think clearly and respond instead of reacting. When conflict pushes you out of this window, try:
Breathing exercises to slow your nervous system.
A "time-out" strategy—step away for 5-10 minutes, but promise to return to the conversation.
Grounding techniques—notice five things around you to bring yourself back to the present moment.
3. Use Secure Communication
🚫 Instead of: “You’re acting like a child!”
✅ Try: “I feel like I’m taking on a role that’s not healthy for either of us. How can we reset?”
🚫 Instead of: “Why do you always shut me out?”
✅ Try: “I know you need space sometimes, but I’d love to understand what’s going on for you.”
4. Schedule Relationship Check-Ins
Once a week, take 10-15 minutes to talk about how your relationship is feeling. Use prompts like:
💬 “What’s one thing you appreciated about me this week?”
💬 “Is there anything we need to work on together?”
Final Thoughts: How Therapy Can Help You Create a Secure Relationship
Breaking old attachment patterns isn’t easy, but it is possible. Therapy can help you:
💡 Identify your triggers and attachment style.
💡 Build emotional regulation and self-awareness.
💡 Learn communication techniques that create a safe, loving connection.
If you’re tired of repeating old patterns and want to create a secure, nurturing relationship, I’d love to help.
👉 Contact Julie for couples counselling and relationship coaching.
Call Julie Wales: 07412651894
Email: hello@juliewalescounselling.co.uk
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