How To Connect With A Teen That Doesn’t Want to Talk
Posted on 7th February 2023 at 11:52
By Julie Wales, Family & Special Needs Counsellor
I hear from parents all the time that they find it so hard to help their teenager or child open up and talk to them more. Its part of our job as parents to know what is going on in our childs life and keep them safe and be close to them.
But what happens when the questions you ask result in little more than a shrug of the shoulders or non-committal “Yeah” or “don’t know” or “no”?!
Why Is It So Hard Getting Your Teen to Talk?
There are so many reasons that your teen might not want to talk that they are almost impossible to list. Here are a few, but you can probably add many more, as you know your child best.
Things your teenage son or daughter might be thinking when you try to initiate a conversation:
My parents always overreact.
How can you be so nosy and intrusive?
How can you possibly imagine how my life feels?
When can I get back to my game or phone?
How can I mention taboo subjects like sex, drugs, girl issues?
What are the consequences for forgetting homework / not studying / detention and should I even bother to tell them myself?
Mum always wants to get so deep, personal or bring up how we feel. Arghh!
With all of that going on in their heads, it's hard to label why your son or daughter might not want to talk. But you can help them to open up by using a few well-chosen strategies.
Timing is Everything
Take a step back and notice when your teen is most receptive to talking. When do you have time for just the two of you? Does he or she close up at family dinner, or is it too much of a rush to expect to eat together? Many parents find that, although it can be wearing to be the family chauffeur, drive time can be a good time to connect. It feels more relaxing when you are both side by side, either driving in the car or doing an activity together. Some teens seem to open up after dark when the day is winding down, just when you feel too tired! Discover when your teen's most receptive time and mood is and go from there.
Use of Humour
Look for laughter, and join in. Laughter is a great tension-dissolver and connection-builder. Once you've had some fun together you might find your teen more receptive to talking, so laugh first, talk later.
Try Not to Take Things Personally
If you initiate a conversation and get rebuffed, try not to take it personally. This can be hard! After many long years of parenting, we can feel tired by the day-to-day challenges as we reach the tween and teen years. It can feel also like our teens are constantly firing negative comments and observations at us as they test their growing independence. They really know just how to push our buttons. Other times a teen just might be pre-occupied with his or her issues and isn't sure how to ask for your help.
Getting on the defensive doesn't foster an open space for talking, Instead, be persistent in your efforts to talk but try taking your cues from them:
If they begin talking, listen until they stop rather than jumping in with a comment or thought.
Sit and spend time together. Sometimes the companionship that joining them as they play a game, watch YouTube or strum a guitar, acts like a conversation starter. Once the atmosphere is warm and they feel your attention on them they may be more willing to start talking.
Let Them Take the Lead
Teens can feel the heavyweight of control in their lives and giving them opportunities to take the lead in how they want to spend their time with you can really help them open up and talk to you. One great way to do this – and make use of all the previous tips we've shared in this post – is by spending quality special time together. This is when you allocate a certain amount of time to spend with your teen, and let them decide what to do. Regular special time gives opportunities to be relaxed together, avoiding the need to ask questions lots of questions. Instead, you focus on their enjoyment of whatever they've chosen to do while saying very little.
It's true that teens might often rebuff even this notion of spending time like this together. But the more you practice and let them know that you are always listing and care for them, the difference is enhancing for your relationship.
Other ways of communicating could include texts, playing games that help with conversation and the use of positive and open body language cues. They look at you and you look ready and willing to hear them without saying a word.
Finally….
Look after yourself.
Do you take time out for yourself? Can you establish a self-care routine?
Do things you really enjoy and this will help you be more relaxed and less stressed at home.
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